My story
Growing up in a Christian family
Responding well, to what is happening in my environment; knowing what ‘the other’ person needs, has been bestowed upon me.
I unconsciously took on the role of the spider in the web. With four brothers, and as the middle child and only girl in the family, it was a logical role.
I did not know then that I would turn out to be highly sensitive.
If Dad is in a good mood, then you can take a step forward and, if not, you just look for safety with the dog?
And, I am lucky to be the only one with a room of her own.
Sundays were endless.
No cycling, no playing outside with the neighborhood children. A lífe sentence for a child.
Just sit in the pews twice on Sunday for hours. In the same dress every Sunday, because ‘pants are only for boys’.
What is happening outside the family, outside the Reformed school, catechism and the Christian volleyball team …
… I honestly had no idea.
‘It is the sinful world out there. They are not going to heaven’, I was told. What fear that brought me!
"Loving
each other" is not enough, my marriage swan song
Even as an adult, I still survive in church. Until I see hellfire in front of me on Sunday morning.
I end up depressed, overcome with fear. So exhausted that I need hours to vacuum our house.
The night before my wedding day, several years earlier, I’m at my parents’ bedroom door to let them know I don’t want to marry him … at all.
Fear of disappointment grips me.
I marry him at the tender age of 19. Within 4 years we have 3 children.
“We love each other” is not enough to have an adult relationship with each other.
Only 17 years and many conflicts further, I tie the knot.
The fear of an uncertain future is great, very, very great.
I will never again forget the night that I realized I am crossing all my limits and that this will only stop when I leave.
I am afraid and, at the same time, feel an unprecedented power within me.
And, yes, there were also many counter forces. Especially from the church community and all the friends who belonged to it.
Finding
strength in myself
My strength is bolstered by a new group around me.
I had started hypnotherapy training two years earlier.
Not done in my circles.
This training has given my confidence a huge boost.
Fellow students and teachers showed me that there was every reason to rely more on myself.
In fact, I had innate talents to work as a therapist. Nevertheless, it took time before I was able to accept my natural abilities feeling.
A
lifesaver presents itself
The weeks after my choice to divorce, I breathe a sigh of relief and, at the same time, have no idea how I will take care of the children, now adolescents, by myself.
I also realize that, for the most part, I am already used to doing this on my own.
But, financially speaking?
And, in which neighborhood can I find a house, or maybe, it will be a small apartment?
Is there someone who wants to support me, or can I forget that support because I’ve made such unsuitable choices?
So, that’s what the savior has to face. At least that’s what I thought then.
Within a few weeks, I feel that something is not right. It’s my fault. I don’t see it accurately. Trust more in what ‘He’ says’. This is how my inner dialogue proceeds.
Unable to take myself seriously, I offer my children a choice:
Continue to live with their father in their current home, or with me in another place of residence. Naively, I think the 45-minute drive is no problem.
If there is one thing I could do about it …
Guilt has haunted me for years.
Many therapies further on.
Until my oldest daughter says “Mom, please stop that. I am so upset that you continue to feel guilty’.
Escaping
to work and study
I fill the void left by my children’s decision with study and work.
Day after day is spent with my nose in the my books or at work. I successfully complete hypnotherapy, psychology and all kinds of specializations, quite satisfied with the this new existence, as long as I pushed my emotions away.
My first client’s reaction is clear to me. How happy she was with our sessions. I could never have imagined at that time that I would see hundreds of clients in the years that followed.
My personal relationship will increasingly take the form of a brother-sister symbiosis.
It took me two years to put an end to my second marriage. Fear now grips me again.
I hear this daily from my clients.
For the
first time … Alone and FREE
It is 2011.
For the first time in my life, I buy a house all for myself.
For the first time, I feel free!
I do not experience the enormous financial debt as a burden, but as something that now belongs to my life. What unprecedented freedom!
My practice is booming, even without marketing. Business assignments give my self-confidence and my financial resources an extra boost.
I work 7 days a week, and I sleep. Just this.
There is hardly any time left for private appointments. But, my energy and mood (are) fantastic.
After a year of fully focusing on work, I realize that other needs are being squeezed out. Finally, I end up with many questions:
Which rhythm suits me?
What do I pay attention to?
What do I let go?
What do I really enjoy doing?
There was also unrest.
Who am I without a relationship?
What I know for sure is that I am doing well by myself.
Do I really prefer to live alone?
Can I enter into a relationship without sacrificing myself?
In addition, as a single person, it is a lot easier to avoid your own pain points than in a relationship.
Happy
relationships really do exist
An enormously valuable time follows. It’s as if I can do the young adult thing … full of full of experimentation and discovery.
And, then it happens in the Summer of 2014.
I watch Paul approaching my front door.
My heart is pounding in my throat, my breathing stops. We awkwardly greet each other, and a few minutes later, I embrace him and say, “I can feel safe with you.”
A memorable moment for both of us. After the first crush, we go through very tough times.
We have faced our own patterns, our pain points and survival mechanisms. With the help of a coach, we have learned to keep our emotions to ourselves, instead of projecting them onto each other.
A very exciting process!
Moments of deep love and connection alternate with wanting to run as fast and as far as possible.
The fear that history will repeat itself is then all too great. The fear of losing each other, too.
We are getting married in November 2017.
For both of us, for (it is) the third time.
We promise to encourage and motivate each other, to be true to ourselves and to make our choices from there.
We promise not to make it personal when one of us makes a choice that is less pleasant for the other, or perhaps even painful.
That we driven by love and because this, we want to know that the other is doing what is right for him or herself.
It touches me deeply when I think about this and especially that we apply it in practice, time after time.
I experience our relationship as a beneficial bed. It lifts us individually, as it were. We both feel seen and appreciated for who we really are.
And isn’t that what every person desires?
What do
I want to do for my clients?
The process I went through has taught me so much, made me more aware.
My training as a psychologist was an important step in making my contribution to the process of awareness for others with increased confidence.
Take myself seriously, trust my inner knowledge.
The awareness that I, like everyone else, am unique.
Let go of conditioning, my ‘real me’ life.
Facing fear and other difficult emotions rather than running away from them.
Seeing dissatisfaction as a signal that I have gotten away from myself.
Not looking for the solution outside myself, but rather, within myself.
My heart’s desire is that I can inspire others to also go on a journey of discovery to find your ‘real me’ and thus, live fully with who you are, embracing your unique talents.
From my inner knowledge, I cannot know what is good for the other person. He or she is the only one who knows. You can only discover your own truth.
If you don’t know how to get there, I would like to share with you the wisdom and knowledge that I have gained in life.