Part 1 of 3
It is late July 2020 and very hot outside when Dionne walks into the practice room dressed for summer. Her long blonde hair falls gracefully around her. ‘What a beautiful appearance, and that without make-up’, I think involuntarily. The way she moves her body radiates something different at the same time. As if there is a heavy burden on her shoulders.
‘What can I do for you?’ I ask her when we sit down with a glass of cold water.
‘I haven’t dared to drive a car on the highway for more than 10 years. Before that, I had so much fun driving. I’m so tired of taking a 2-hour route instead of a 30-minute route’. She takes a deep breath as if underlining her words.
‘What brings you here now? Apparently you have been suffering from this for a long time. Is there a direct reason?’ I ask.
“Ah,” she says. ‘I’m exhausted. My work as a police officer and ME officer demands a lot from me. I take over shifts from colleagues who are falling over, while I, myself, am at my wit’s end. I can’t let my other colleagues down, can I? Especially now that we are constantly being called upon to go to places where riots have broken out, such as the recent one in Utrecht. ‘
She continues: ‘Two years ago my father passed away while I heard Code 1000 at my father’s address with a colleague in the car. Immediately, I knew he was dead. I still miss him. He was my outlet. After a heavy shift, I could always contact him to catch my breath.’ She pauses for a moment. ‘My mother died when I was 16’.
“You’ve been through a lot, Dionne,” I say after she shares some more intense experiences that took place during her service.
‘Yes, you just keep going. What else can you do? But, I still think it would be good to empty my backpack a bit. I can’t just keep going.
What a powerful woman, I think, when I am alone in the practice room a little later. My thoughts go back to the period of my burnout, and how I always thought this would never happen to me. Nothing turned out to be further from the truth.
I see myself sitting with a coach again emptying my own backpack. At that moment, I know that my coach is right. I have to stop running and flying for someone else. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to take better care of myself; to say “no” when it’s too much for me. In fact, that I am responsible for my well-being and not that of the other person.
‘Go and experience it. Baby steps,’ said my coach. I remember, so well, proudly telling my coach that I had canceled a date with a friend because I needed time to myself. My girlfriend responded understandingly, “Honey, do what’s right for you. I was really looking forward to it, but we’ll see each other some other time.’ How relieved I was.
In Part 2, I share with you the EMDR session about Dionne’s fear of driving on the highway and about the surprising effect.
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