Part 2 of 3
‘Do you ever feel like a victim of what happened to you, Agnes?’ I ask in the second session.
She looks at me in disgust. ‘But, am I a victim of that narcissistic man? From my parents’ bad marriage? And then, when my daughter was newly born, and my husband moved in with my best friend?’ Agnes takes a deep breath.
‘When you look back, do you feel that you had a choice in those situations?’ I continue.
‘A choice? Of course, I had no choice. It all happened to me, and I couldn’t do anything about it,’ she says indignantly.
‘Dear Agnes, in the previous session, you said that you came to me because you recognized yourself in my personal story on the website. For a long time, I also felt like a victim. I still remember, so well, that I had no idea how I could bring about change within myself. My mood was determined by what was happening around me. If I had known then what I know now, my life would have been much happier. That’s one thing for sure.’
I explain to Agnes that you can indeed be a victim of a situation. The point is to become aware that you always have a choice in how you react to it. This insight helps you to not get bogged down in a story where you blame another for your feelings. Because as soon as you do that, you take on the role of victim.
‘Don’t think I’ll never be a victim again,’ I say, laughing. ‘Last weekend, for example. I still have so many ideas about what I want to do. Why don’t I just have as much energy as my husband, Paul? Haven’t I had enough patience to recover from being burned out? And before I realized it, I felt gloomy and frustrated. That didn’t take long, because I soon understood that I wanted to change something that I have no influence over. I resolved to slow down and trust that this, too, will have a reason. A little later, Paul and I were playing table tennis, on my initiative, and had a lot of fun.’
Agnes smiles at me.
‘To be honest, I don’t always manage to get out that quickly,’ I continue. ‘Strangely enough, sometimes it is nice to complain. There is nothing wrong with that either, I think. It is nice to know that I have a choice. ‘
‘Do you understand what I’m telling you?’ I ask.
‘Yes, but I’ve come to believe what my ex-partner told me over and over. “You’re a selfish person,” he said when I didn’t feel like cooking for him again. And: “You will never be able to lose weight”. What have I done to myself? Why didn’t I stop sooner? I’ve become so insecure about myself,’ Agnes says, cringing. Tears run down her cheeks.
I give her a tissue and recognize the sense of hopelessness that allows me to fully understand what she’s saying.
‘The fact that you are here shows that you want things differently. Apparently, now is the time to take on Agnes. Let’s start with EMDR and then we’ll see which nasty experience wants attention today,’ I say.
When we take stock after half an hour, there is another Agnes on the couch. Her eyes are bright. ‘I can feel, right now, that I can rely on myself,’ she says with a smile. ‘I haven’t felt this for a long time. I also realize it is important that I let go of my guilt, because I did what I could at that moment. So, there is nothing to blame myself for. What a relief.’ We finish the session and make an appointment for two weeks.