Part 1 of 4
‘I feel the need to find the reason for my recurring feelings of wanting to ‘get away’. To discover and discuss what I miss, compensate for, avoid or do not dare to take on. I long for change, but don’t know how to get clarity. My wife, Mieke, drew my attention to the Intense 2-day that you are giving. Would that be something for me?’ Philip asks when we speak on the phone.
Ten days later, I greet him in the meeting room of Hotel Garden Inn in Leiden. After an exchange of pleasantries, I ask Philip what he hopes to achieve in these two days. To his surprise, tears flow down his cheeks. ‘I don’t understand why this is happening,’ he says.
‘You could have lost it,’I say jokingly.
He is smiling. ‘There are many times when I feel good in my relationship. I just don’t understand why I’m dissatisfied in any way. Mieke proposed to do this 2-day together, but I only wanted to work with myself. Maybe we will both come at a later time.’
I hear determination in his voice.
‘Discontent is there for a reason,’ I say. ‘I take it as a sign that certain desires are not being fulfilled. For example, because over the years, you have entered into certain patterns in your relationship that you are not happy with. We will investigate what the basis of your dissatisfaction is.’
I know that dissatisfaction so well. For years, I judged myself. I felt guilty for not being satisfied and tried everything to feel fulfilled. I decided to pay particular attention to the beautiful house, the lovely garden and my good work. The effect was that, with a lot of effort, I felt a little better for a short time. But, over and over again, the feeling of dissatisfaction washed over me. I fell into a depression.
If I had known then what I know now, I would have made the choice sooner to leave my relationship at the time. But, I was afraid. I’ve had to learn to take my desires seriously. To do what’s pleasing to me and not just my partner. That has been quite a challenge. What courage I have needed to respond to my desire instead of the other person’s. I still experience this as a challenge. For me, it helps to see it as an exercise to respond to my desires instead of regretting that I have gotten back into a familiar pattern.
It has now become clear to me that dissatisfaction is a messenger. I now recognize it faster, so that I find more clarity about the cause of my dissatisfaction. I make a distinction between the dissatisfaction that there is because of my desires that are unmet and dissatisfaction about things or situations that cannot be influenced.
The first appears to be the case with Philip. He can handle situations well over which he has no influence. The challenge for him is to take his desires seriously and to shape them.
You can read more about this in the next blog.