January 10, 2021
Part 3 of 4
‘It was surprising and intense, this morning’s session,’ says Philip as we walk along the beach. ‘I can feel it was important to pay attention to this. It’s nice to experience more peace in myself now. The question that comes to mind is how this helps to clarify my relationship with Mieke. We have been together for 25 years, and we often get it right. With each other and with our two sons. Why am I not satisfied?’
I tell him what I learned years ago from Harville Hendrix, best-selling author and relationship expert. In his books, he describes how frustrations in a relationship stem from unmet childhood needs. We subconsciously try to get our significant other to fulfill those needs.
“Mission impossible. You will undoubtedly understand that,” I say with a laugh. ‘It’s about healing the pain in yourself, and realizing that your partner supplements your life, instead of filling your unmet needs. Maybe not so nice for you to hear.
Philip looks at me quizzically. Silently, we walk on.
‘That is indeed not nice to hear. A bit embarrassing too, especially since I can feel that this is true somewhere,’ says Philip. ‘It’s time to put this behind me.’
‘Ah,’ I say jokingly, ‘I can talk about that. I remember, so well, that I took relationship therapy with my second partner and was introduced to Harville Hendrix. How confronting it was to discover that my partner turned out to have the negative qualities of my parents. At first, I thought I would finally find peace with him after my first stranded marriage. For the sake of convenience, I ignored the fact that I repeatedly felt that something was wrong. This experience has taught me to be less dependent on my partner’s behavior and mood and to take my own feelings seriously.’
The sun is breaking through. We stop for a moment, watch the waves and take in the view while a couple with three dogs walks by. We laugh when we see how the Jack Russell tries to keep up with the two sheepdogs. What a beautiful metaphor for what we were talking about this morning. Everyone has his own pace. Forcing yourself to keep up mainly causes frustration,’ I say lightly.
As we continue, Philip asks for concrete guidelines.
‘If you change your behavior, you will discover that your partner also shows new behavior. To give you a simple example from my own experiences, I tended to keep asking a girlfriend of mine to tell me about her work. The result was that she shared much more, even though I was not prompting her. Nowadays, I try to listen more and ask less, and if she asks me a question, I respond. What I’ve noticed recently, is that my friend talks less about work. And this suits us both just fine.’ I say, laughing.
We’ll talk further about what behavior he wants to change.
In the next blog, you can read more about the Intense 2-day with Philip.