Together and still feel so alone
Do you really feel happy and satisfied with the relationship with your partner? Do you have a good connection with your loved ones? Do you experience inspiration and motivation to truly take yourself seriously in your intimate relationship, as well as other relationships? If so, then you belong to the minority. How is this possible?
Many people feel alone, not heard and not appreciated.
Recurring thoughts come up, such as:
- If the other person changed, communicated better; I would feel better.
- If only the situation were different, I wouldn’t feel so down.
- I have already tried everything, but I am unable to break those fixed patterns in the relationship.
- Why do we keep arguing?
- What’s wrong with me?
- I’d better resign myself to our relationship and just go my own way, as much as possible.
- I don’t understand anything anymore. I try so hard to connect, but it just doesn’t work.
- Divorce is not an option because of the children. I don’t want to do that to them.
Why is it that we sometimes struggle to experience connection in relationships?
In my eyes, every person is innocent. Whether it is an intimate relationship or parent-child or any other relationship, if problems arise, then in my opinion, no one is quilty.
That you are going to point to each other, is a very human reaction. That is, until you become more aware of yourself; from where you respond and from where the other responds.
When you have gotten into a stressful cycle, you can often no longer access your own inner wisdom. You respond from a survival mechanism or from pain.
You are formed in life by what you experience in your youth and during the entirety of your life. Sometimes you see the same themes recurring in relationships for generations. To your horror, you see your parents arguing in a similar way. How is it possible that you have chosen someone who behaves the same as your father / mother? How is it that the difficult relationship with your son or daughter is so similar to the one you experienced as a child?
Surprisingly, we choose a partner who knowingly or unconsciously shares the characteristics of our parents. Our reptilian brain responds with recognition. When you fall in love, it can seem like you’ve known each other for a long time. You show your ‘best’ self’. We are just not aware that this partner often has the same negative characteristics of our parents. We think: ‘this partner will give me what I need’. Nothing is less true. At least, not as long as we still have that kind of pain to heal in ourselves.
As time goes by, we start to see fewer fun qualities together. Often, it is precisely those painful experiences from the past that trigger you. Before you know it, you turn on your pain or survival mechanism. As soon as one of you goes into survival mode, it causes tension for the other, who then also ends up in survival mode. Verbalized or unspoken reproaches are then a logical consequence.
Or, your partner activates the pain mechanism and displays childish behavior, making you wonder how you ever chose him or her.
There really is no blame if either of you goes into pain of survival mode
Your body responds to a trigger like a kind of alarm bell. The emotions that have not yet been processed are still stored in your body. Only when both partners are willing to look at their own sensitivities and take responsibility for them, can you grow into a mature relationship. A relationship that provides a beneficial foundation, a relationship that supports you in taking yourself seriously, a relationship in which you both grow in consciousness.
Then one plus one is really three!
Happy relationships really do exist!
I know from my own experience that it is possible. In my first two marriages, I mainly lived out survival mechanisms and my pain mode. In my current relationship with Paul, I have discovered that happiness actually exists. But, that still required some work from both of us.
After our ‘honeymoon period’, we went through very tough times. We have had to face our own patterns; our survival mechanisms.
We have learned, with the help of a coach, to keep our emotions within ourselves, instead of projecting them onto each other. A very exciting process!
We started to see each other as a complement instead of the other having to fill-in something.
Moments of deep love and connection alternated with only one thing, and that is fleeing. There was great fear that history would repeat itself. As well as the fear of losing each other.
We got married in November 2017, the third time for both of us. Since then, there has been even more peace because we know, through experience, that we are safe together. We asked the wedding official if she would adjust the wedding vows. Namely, that we promise to encourage and motivate each other, to be true to ourselves and that we make our choices from there. Also, that we don’t make it personal when one makes a choice that is less pleasant for the other, or maybe even painful. That we, driven by love, want nothing more than that the other person does what is right for him or herself.
It touches me deeply when I think about these vows, and that we also experience this in daily life, time and again.
If we had not had the courage to look at ourselves, chances are history would have repeated itself. It also takes a lot of courage to look your dark side in the face; learn to embrace it without judgment and with unconditional love.
And, if your partner chooses not to engage in this process, know that you are in the process of sacrificing yourself. Do you have the mettle to work on your own process so that you learn to take yourself seriously?
Will you both choose to embark on this journey of discovery? Do you want to look yourself and your relationship in the face? Do you also want such a happy relationship?
Then take action! You may save yourself a lot of suffering.
What changes can you expect?
Enrichment as a couple
If you are both willing to engage in this process, then you can experience:
- more involvement with each other
- more togetherness
- more fun together
- more intimacy
- more growth because you encourage each other to take yourselves seriously
- that you love and are loved without conditions.
You are more aware, so that you:
- deal more lovingly with yourself and others
- know what you feel and what your need
- confidently makes your own choices
- experience more inner peace
- know what is good for you and discuss this honestly with your significant other
- realize on a deeper level that you can really be yourself
- without judgment, have an eye for your drawbacks and those of your significant other.
- are able to take responsibility for your own well-being
- know when you can leave the responsibility with your other half.
Enrichment as an individual
You feel more satisfied, so you:
- have more happiness and pleasure
- are more ‘in the moment’
- no longer have to search for something
- experience more love for yourself and your significant other
- are more connected with yourself, your other half and everything there is.
What approach can you expect?
Schedule your free video appointment. This conversation lasts a maximum of 30 minutes.
I see this appointment as a way for both you and me to find out if there is a click. In this conversation, I will immediately share with you my ideas about the core of the problem and the approach I propose. This is based on many years of practical experience as a psychologist and as an expert by experience.
If we want to continue together, there are two options available.
Which methods can you expect?
I work in an intuitive way and trust the knowledge I have gained in my role as a psychologist over the past 20 years and as an expert experience. Methodologies I like to use are EMDR and EFT, often in combination with inner child work and family constellations. It can be an added value to undergo EMDR in a joint setting, so with your partner there. It often gives more understanding to each other. The condition is that it must be safe.
I also find a lot of inspiration in Marshall Rosenberg’s method of Connecting Communication (Non-Violent Communication). In my training as a relationship therapist, I have been mainly inspired by the work of Harville Hendrickx (The Adult Relationship), Sue Johnson (Hold Me) and the books of Paul Ferrini.
For more information about the methods, see here.