Part 1 of 3
It is 10.30 a.m. on Saturday morning when I see Mila enter the Hilton Garden Inn Hotel in Leiden. Three hours earlier, she had informed me that she had boarded the wrong train, so she would arrive half an hour late.
‘You look so colorful again,’ I say, greeting her. ‘It was quite a trip,’ she sighs. ‘I’ve always traveled so much. How did I manage to get on the wrong train? And then, the whole journey with that mouth mask on. My glasses kept fogging up. Anyway, I’m here. To be honest, I also think it’s exciting.’ She says this with a smile on her face.
Half an hour later, we get together in an atmospheric meeting room.
While I wait for her, I think back to last week when I met her through a video consultation. She made it clear that she has a great need to push ahead. ‘I’m so sick of the times that I get triggered when I’m with Peter. It is time for me to deal with my past and have more relaxation in our relationship. It seems as if I keep focusing on what’s not right. Not only in my relationship, but also in other areas of my life. I make myself unhappy. I don’t know who I am anymore.’
Her drive to get started prompted me to propose an intense 2-day. ‘What exactly does that mean?’ she asked. I told her that we spend two days together at a hotel. Depending on her needs, we will do EMDR, coaching, a guided visualization or we take a walk on the beach. She can come with Peter or alone.
A day after our consultation, Mila emailed: ‘It’s very frightening, but I really want to change. So, I’m going for it! Peter doesn’t like it, so, I’ll come alone.’
And, there we are a week later, having a cappuccino together, both curious about what it will bring.
We start with her wish list. ‘I want to react thoughtfully instead of jumping on it when Peter does something I don’t like. And, I want to get closer to myself. Do the things that matter to me. Sometimes, I don’t even know what my need is.’ Mila looks at me expectantly.
She continues: ‘I want to focus on positive things again, instead of problems.’
‘So, you have this need very clear,’ I say with a smile. ‘I suggest we do EMDR this morning and pay attention to what presents itself. Your sub-conscience knows exactly what you need.’
To her surprise, during EMDR, her attention is focused on her father, whom she lost at the age of 23. She lived in the Netherlands and was unable to attend the funeral in Suriname due to circumstances beyond her control. ‘I thought I had given all of this a place. But, the emotions that are emerging now tell a different story. Apparently, something else is needed here,’ says Mila.
She grew up in a disadvantaged neighborhood in Paramaribo. She saw fights every day as she walked the long way to school. The differences between rich and poor confused her. ‘I learned what love is from my father,’ Mila says in a low tone. ‘We had a special bond. It was different from the relationship he had with my other 7 brothers and sisters.’ A broad smile appears on her face.
With EMDR, we pay attention to unresolved grief.
‘Surprising that so many emotions are still being released. I am glad we did this. I feel lighter.’ Mila can’t stop yawning. What a relief.
I suggest that she write a letter to her father today or tomorrow. This seems like a good plan to her.