Part 1 of 3
‘For years, I have been tumbling into my pitfalls. I am over 50, and now, it is really time to get serious about myself and live an effortless life,’ Jenny writes as she signs up for a free phone call. ‘I am someone who likes to take care of myself, is extremely adaptable and is afraid of challenges. I don’t take criticism very well,’ she continues. ‘My request for help is to process my past, so that I become a happy, cheerful and satisfied person again. I just want to feel confident about myself. ‘
It is precisely with these words that I could have formulated my own request for help more than 30 years ago.
As a 19-year-old girl, I got married and, within 4 years, had 3 children. We did not discuss how we were going to divide tasks. It didn’t even occur to me. He provided the income, and I took care of the children and the household.
I wondered what was wrong with me. I started to ask more and more: ‘Why am I so dissatisfied? There is so much to be happy about. I have 3 healthy children. What am I doing wrong in my relationship?’ My confidence hit rock bottom. By paying close attention to what others needed, I made sure that I received as little criticism as possible. When I was a little girl, my feelers were already on edge. I became an expert in it.
The part-time job as a doctor’s assistant came to my rescue. I could be more ‘Willeke’. It kept me going for several years, until I ended up burned out.
I now look back at all of those experiences with gratitude. It made me who I am today, allowing me to guide Jenny and so many others.
When I receive Jenny at my practice a week later, there is an immediate click.
I invite her to tell me what prompted her to come. She starts with: ‘More and more often, I suffer from strong emotional outbursts. I don’t understand why I go out of my mind when Maarten makes a critical remark.’
She met Maarten six years ago. She had been divorced for just a year and was determined to stay alone for the time being. “So that didn’t work,” she says with a laugh. ‘Anyway, Maarten is different. He stimulates me to be myself. The exact opposite of what I experienced in my 25-year marriage. “You’re a whiner,” my ex-husband often said.
I ask her to tell me briefly about her childhood, because I now know that stories about the past mainly bring up misery and usually have no added value. Unless you go into the emotions that are triggered by those stories and are currently getting in the way of your happiness.
However, opinions are divided on this. There are social workers who attach value to having those stories told again and again and analyzing them. I choose to limit this. I know from experience that this more controlled approach has a positive effect.
You can read more about Jenny in the next blog.